Sweet Dreams

I am a bit of a dork. I wish I was not this way. I would prefer to be suave and cool and pulled together. Unfortunately, I am not any of those things. If you think that I am, it is just an illusion. And when you get to know me better you will see the truth: I am a dingbat.

This was proven yet again this week when I took the dog for a walk. I was waiting at a cross walk to cross the street. A car decided to stop and waved me out in front of them. I thought this was very polite of them, but I was sort of flustered because I was not expecting it so I took off across the street right away. Unfortunately, the dog was not ready to walk, but was in mid-sniff of a nearby light pole. So I started walking, the dog got turned around and somehow 2 of her legs got tangled up in the leash!

By the time I looked down and saw that she was hobbling/jumping along with only a left front and a right back leg we were a third of the way across the road. I did not want to stop in the middle of the road to fix it because of my fear of getting hit by a car so I did the only thing I could think of: I walked faster. Oh, the poor dog! She could not hobble along that quickly, so she had to take little leaps as I dragged her along, forging ahead in front of stopped traffic. They probably thought I was such a cruel pet owner. Oh, dear.

As soon as we got to the other side of the road I bent over to fix the poor dog’s leash, and she celebrated her release by peeing on yet another light pole. I was so traumatized by the experience that I dreamed about it that night. I do that quite a bit: dream about my daytime embarrassments. At least most of them are just embarrassing dreams, not nightmares.

I leave the laundry pile for a second and the dog takes over. I hope she only has sweet dreams as she snoozes on our clean towels.

However a few weeks ago I did have a nightmare. I jolted awake and sat up in bed, still pretty scared even with my eyes open.

Me: Hubs? Hubs, you awake?

Hubs: Yeah, what’s wrong Princess?

Me: I had a nightmare.

Hubs: Oh no. I’m sorry.

Me: Yeah, it was really scary.

Hubs: It’s ok. Do you want to tell me about it?

Me: I guess. I mean, it was really scary, and I was walking along…

Hubs (sitting up all the sudden and interrupting me): Hon? Lay back down and go to sleep.

Me: Umm…ok…

So I rolled over and went back to sleep, a little perturbed that he had interrupted me just to tell me to go back to sleep. It was not very compassionate of him in my time of need, that’s for sure.

I asked him about the next day, and it turns out that the whole time he was “comforting” me, he was asleep. Completely and totally asleep. Did not remember talking to me at all. What he did remember was waking up and I was talking to him. So he thought that I was talking in my sleep so he told me to go back to bed.

My hubs, he can comfort me even while he is still asleep. He is such a dreamy husband, for sure.

Llamas, and manatees, and sloths – Oh My!

Llamas are my second favorite mammals, right behind manatees and before koala bears. Baleen whales and sloths round out the top five. I like animated llamas, plush llamas, llamas in books, and llamas in real life. Llamas on a farm or llamas in the wild, I like them all. I also like to say the word, “llama.” Try it. “Llama.” Oh, it’s just such a funny word.

Quite a bit ago the hubs and I decided that we should have a word that the hubs could use to prove that he was awake. We had been having problems because he would say stuff at night that sounded just normal enough, so I thought he was awake. But really he was asleep and when I would ask him about it in the morning he had no idea what I was talking about.

When the hubs suggested that I come up with a “proof word” that he could use to show when he was awake, I immediately knew the perfect word: llama. The word “llama” was perfectly suited to the job. It is rarely used in conversation (unless you are a llama breeder) and it is such a funny word the hubs would remember it.

For a few months our little system worked wonderfully. The hubs would say something that sounded normal, I would ask if he was asleep, and if he was awake he would say, “Llama.”

Then we had a disastrous night where it became clear that the hubs could, in fact, give the proof word even while asleep. The hubs was laying there, and I thought he was asleep. All of the sudden, he started speaking loudly, although staying still and keeping his eyes closed.

Hubs: You (insert derogatory word here).

Me: Excuse me?!?

Hubs did not say anything. I thought he was possibly asleep.

Me: That is completely inappropriate! Are you asleep?

Hubs: No.

Me: Then prove it.

Hubs: Llama

Me: Why, that is so… you… I just… You’re really awake?

Hubs (yelling): LLAMA!

I was just livid. I could not believe he had said THAT to me. (It is very unlike him to say things like that about his worst enemy, let alone me!) And he had used our code word so he had to be awake! I was so mad I climbed out of bed and got all the pillows in the apartment, including the decorative pillows on the love seat. Then I brought them all back to bed with me and built a pillow wall between us in the bed. I am very stubborn, and I would certainly not be driven out of my own bed by him saying something so cruel. However,  I felt that a large pillow wall and icy silence would let the hubs know of my extreme displeasure.

Then I went back to sleep on my side of the pillow wall. In the morning the hubs was very confused when he woke up fenced into his side of the bed by pillows. I will spare you the details of our conversation that morning; eventually we figured out that the hubs had no idea what I was mad about because he had been asleep the entire time.

I still love llamas, but we no longer use a code word. I think this is a good choice, if only for the good of our throw pillows: they could not hold up well if I were frequently building pillow walls.

The End