What Not To Wear, New Baby Edition

I used to love the television show, “What Not To Wear.” It was a show where they would give unsuspecting fashion challenged people a makeover. I thought the hosts of the show, Stacy and Clinton, were so cool, and so witty, and so stylish. Frequently when a guest was a mom and dressed in comfortable but not very stylish clothes, Stacy and Clinton would talk to them about their clothing choices, and say things like, “Having kids is no excuse. It doesn’t take any longer to put on pants with buttons than sweat pants.”

Or, “It’s just as much effort to pick out a cute blouse as a t-shirt, so go for the blouse! You have no excuse.”

And the moms would come away from their week of shopping in New York and look so chic, and so much better than when they left, and there was not an oversized t-shirt or yoga pant in sight.

At the time I always thought, “Stacy and Clinton are so right. It doesn’t take any longer to put on nice clothes. If I ever become a mom, I’m not going to dress in sweatpants all the time.”

Now ten years removed from watching the show and in a totally different life position, I discovered something. Stacy and Clinton have no idea what they are talking about.

As it turns out, those precious seconds it takes to button up actual pants, they matter. Do you know how much trouble a high energy 3 year old can get into in 6 seconds? Today I left the fully clothed munchkin in the living room, walked to the changing table with the baby, and looked out the window to see that the munchkin had walked out of the house and was running around the yard, naked. In 6 seconds he stripped naked and ran out of the house. This is why I like to wear pants that don’t require buttoning or a belt. Oh man, I don’t even want to think about how far he could get if I had to button my pants and buckle a belt!

In addition, when Stacy and Clinton sent these newly made-over ladies home with admonitions to steer clear of baggy cotton t-shirts, they weren’t considering the laundry situation. Baby is quite the spitter, and today has gone through 5 onesies, 2 bibs, and 2 tiny pairs of baby pants. I tend to be collateral damage to all this spitting, and am currently on my fourth shirt in 7 hours. Now, if I had been following Stacy and Clinton’s guidelines, the laundry situation would be quite complicated, with the buttons, delicate wash cycles, dry-clean-only tags, and lay-flat-to-dry directions. Thankfully, yoga pants and t-shirts have no special cleaning instructions, so I’m really not too perturbed at all the wardrobe changes I have to go through in a day. But it does mean Clinton and Stacy were very wrong: picking nice clothes does take more effort, especially if they get dirty every 45 minutes.

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Baby girl is such a sweetheart, I do not mind her messiness. Photo credit: Huisman Photography

The sleep talking hubs does not seem to mind the current state of my wardrobe. Actually, since we brought baby home the hubs has not been “the sleep talking hubs,” as he has not done much sleep talking. I think he is just too tired, and I am probably tired enough that even if he has talked I slept right through it. But last night he did talk some.

I was lying in bed when I felt the hubs jump in his sleep. As if he were gently scolding someone, he said, “No, no, no!”

I asked who he was talking to, and he said, “Oh, no one.”

I was so tired I let it go at that, and went back to sleep.

I am not sure what the hubs was saying, “No,” to, but I do know what I would say no to: anyone, even Clinton or Stacy, who tried to pry my comfiest yoga pants away from me.

Pants with elastic waistbands FOREVER!

That awkward moment when your husband tells you he has a kid…

I have yet to meet a baby that I did not think was precious and the most darling thing ever. Baby animals, baby cupcakes, baby people: I love them all. They are just so cute! I am not biased or anything, but I am sure that my hubs was the most adorable baby ever. What a little sweety-pie. Such a cute little face. Such a happy little smile. Such little baby fingers and toes. So cute.

My goodness. The hubs' cuteness is almost overwhelming.

Even though I like mini-people, the hubs and I do not have any kids. This made his asleep assertion early this past week quite disconcerting.

Why are babies so cute eating and adults aren't? If adult hubs sat on a table eating with his hands I would not be all like, "OH, that's so cute!" I would say, "Really? Yeah...no."

I was sleeping soundly, dreaming that I had just backed into Ryan Gosling’s car and then when I went to give him my contact information so that his insurance could contact me, my car was stolen. It was pretty intense and I was very upset about the car being stolen. Needless to say, I did not mind being woken up.

All of the sudden I woke up because the hubs was sitting up, pulling me into a huge bear hug.

Me: What are you doing?!?!?

Hubs: I just love you so much!

Me: Well, I love you, too. Is something wrong? Why are you awake?

Hubs: Because I just had a kid!

Me (realizing he is certainly not awake): What??

Hubs: Yeah, I just had a kid.

Me: Oh…wow…

Hubs: I feel a little funny. I just woke up. After the kid…having a kid….

Me: Ok…I have no idea what you’re talking about…

Hubs: Alright, well just know that I love you very much.

Me: Ok, I love you too.

Then he let go of me and laid back down, never waking up.

"I'm going to grow up to talk in my sleep like a crazy person! And yes, I am super cute in my fashionable skinny tie."

I hope that the kid the hubs had while asleep was as cute as he was when he was little, although I do not think that that is actually possible.